Sometimes you have to go back to the beginning and start again.
The prospect of writing, putting myself here in this place, has loomed larger and larger in my mind over the last few months and I’ve stayed away. It has even haunted me in ‘real’ life, a few people have now mentioned to me that they’ve noticed I haven’t been writing. So how have I managed to start again?
I am not erasing my beginning, what came before. I am releasing myself to reconnect with what had somehow slipped away from me. I am shedding my leaves in this autumn, to build towards a new growth season. What comes ‘before’ has influence; and something made me stop.
I had meandered down a path I wasn’t certain was right for me and wondering what I was doing. I didn’t know how to change, and I still don’t, but I have faith now that it will, eventually. Right now any alternative path looks like there is a slash through some undergrowth to get there. The perception is that change should be instant. Often it is something that creeps gradually.
So it’s ok. To get a little lost and disorientated, and need to take a step back. To start over.
Stopping writing wasn’t a conscious decision, rather it just happened and I told myself I would get back to it. That after such and such happened, I would have time, inspiration, whatever. And while I might have thought that the case, really it was a reflection of my uncertainty.
I have however been spending plenty of time mulling over writing, often drafting something or other, but not quite getting the rubber to meet the road. Gradually though over the last few weeks things have been changing for me and I feel a lot less ‘stuck’ and finally able to start again. This is what I’ve been focusing on to find my way.
Filling the glass.
Life is for living, loving and enjoying. Not at the expense of others, but sometimes it’s good to focus close to home, about what makes you happy and satisfied. Writing helps me work through my issues. But writing publically brings an extra dimension. Thinking about a wider group of people can stifle.
When I think about what matters to me, it makes my creative fires burn and gives me energy to push forward and open up to new possibilities.
I am however incredibly grateful and thankful to those who have mentioned my writing (or lack thereof) to me recently (you know who you are). Having people who are looking out for you, supporting and cheering you on is so valuable.
One step at a time.
The big picture is an incredibly useful guide to life, leading somewhere rather than nowhere. But. It can also be crippling. And uncertainty about the big picture makes it even more so. Picking a place to start seems impossible.
To be useful a big picture needs to be seen as small parts that make up the whole. Like paintings and sculptures that are different depending on the angle and proximity in which you view them, so is life like that.
I am choosing to do things on the small scale that are the same colours and textures that I want in my big picture. Each contributes, even if the end result isn’t quite as I imagined.
Done rather than perfect.
Satisfaction from doing something often comes from not the work itself but the achievement of it being done, a step on the journey. Because after that is the next step.
Except the voice inside puts words into the mouths of others, makes judgements, puts barriers up to reaching completion. I couldn’t express myself properly, my words weren’t coming to me. I lacked skills to do technical things, and I was afraid of trying in case something went wrong. Perfection is my enemy.
I’m always trying to get my girls to understand that practice is what makes you good at something, rather than talent alone. But it’s not so easy to take the medicine yourself!