I’ve been dilly dallying for too long, my usual reticence to commit is really holding me back. I have been trying hard to write a post, too hard. About the theme of my ‘story’ that I am
writing procrastinating about writing. Riding a roller coaster of sometimes doing it and sometimes not.
Apologies if this turns into a rambling post, it may well do!
I suspect that not being able to write the post is really a message from myself to myself. But I haven’t been listening. Don’t you find that when something isn’t going to plan and you really look deep inside you can have a fair guess at what is going wrong, but it’s hard to realise you need to look?
The theme (not actually going there for this post) is the whole reason that I fell back into writing. The story has been swirling around, contained, in my mind in various forms for a number of years, though now a form as words on a page is starting to materialise. And boy, that is scary.
What is more, is that I think on some level I can’t quite figure out if I have truly understood this theme. Or am I writing the story hoping that I will work it out as I go? Combined this seems to make for a sort of writers block both for the story and the blog post.
I have been going over my explorations and prodding and poking at my thoughts about it, writing over 2000 words on the subject. Not making any sense. That’s the block. There are fragments of intuition and understanding showing through. But I can’t help but feel frustrated that it doesn’t hang together.
And because its been consuming my thoughts I haven’t written anything. I haven’t written the story for some weeks now, haven’t written anything about anything else either since well before Christmas. And I need to stop. Or rather start again. So here I am breaking my silence and just getting words out.
My message to myself may very well be to do some more exploring of my thoughts. So I think I will stop trying so hard to write something, anything and construct more understanding. This writing lark is still unfamiliar territory, I think that I can allow myself to find my feet again.
I think I need to do a bit more brainstorming, on both the theme and the story. Perhaps that will help and perhaps not. But I do like creating lots of scraps of paper that I can try to decipher in the coming months or else be driven insane by… 😉
And now just writing a little something is acting as a throat clearer, palate cleanser. I feel renewed and re-energised into converting thoughts to shapes on a page that might mean something to someone else.
Because that is why I am doing this.